Updated: Feb 16, 2019
I'm feeling a little nostalgic. I think it's because I've now told everyone that I'm leaving. I've had a week of nothing but focussing on what's next; friends and colleagues saying how excited they are for me, strangers reassuring me and telling me I'm doing the right thing and loved ones asking me how I feel. It's lovely. It's also pretty hard.
I'm truly excited about what's waiting for me next but, to move on, I need to let go of some important memories. Wanting to let go of these memories, and the strong attachment I have to these memories, doesn't mean forgetting them. Letting them exist in a different space would do it. It's a bit conceptual, I know. I'd like to take the feelings that surface when I get lost in my memories, the sentiments that I attach to objects, the emotions that are triggered by a smell or a song, and not allow myself to yearn for what they remind me of. That's all ;-)
It's what I'm striving for but I'm struggling with it. I know how important it is to acknowledge rubbish feelings and wouldn't want to squish them down or not deal with them but, with all my attention directed on the future, it seems that my memories are incessantly tapping me on my shoulder and saying 'Hellooo, what about us?!'. Kind of want it to stop.
The moments have been and gone. Get over it, right!? But what about the good stuff... the fun moments shared with friends, the times I've felt so strong I could face anything and the moments I've felt deeply loved? What if some of these moments now feel tainted with negativity or betrayal? It would be great to 'Eternal Sunshine' the crap stuff I don't want to think about. It would be easier to forget the good stuff so I don't miss it. It would also be denying who I am and the journey I've already taken to become that person. I know I don't need to erase them to move forward. So, how do I accept them, let them be a part of me but not let them take over? How do I let them exist in a different space? As you can tell, Universe, I don't really know yet.
I've always had quite a wistful way of thinking about the past. I keep images of important moments and people all around me, I surround myself with mementos from my travels to remind me of places that made me smile, and even the things I choose to wear have stories. Recently all this sentimentality seems to have been magnified. It's probably because I'm trying so hard for that not to be the case. I'm planning on storing some of these objects in boxes, giving others away and moving on without so much baggage (and yes, not deliberately, but it's quite clearly symbolic!). Do you reckon that will help?
I'd like to live in the moment. Think about the moment. I'd like to keep the memories that hurt. Keep them, but not let the hurt take over. I'd like to remember all the awesome times I shared with my favourite people. Remember it, and carry the love and support with me. I'd like to revisit places I associate with one memory and add new ones. I'd like to hear a particular song and let the image that pops into my head linger for a while. Linger for a while, and then I'd like to simply enjoy the song.
I'd like to focus on the now, and on the future, but I'm happy to bring my past with me. Maybe that's the different space I'm talking about.
I'd like that very much.
PS. This art sums it up better than I could.
The Nimbus works present a transitory moment of presence in a specific location.
Berndnaut Smilde http://www.berndnaut.nl They can be interpreted as a sign of loss or becoming, or just as a a fragment from a classical painting. People have always had a strong metaphysical connection to clouds and through time have projected many ideas on them. Smilde is interested in the temporary aspect of the work. It’s there for a few seconds before they fall apart again. The physical aspect is really important but the work in the end only exists as a photograph. The photo functions as a document of something that happened on a specific location and is now gone.