Sometimes I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel too much. Occasionally, I feel everything in a way that seems to be just right, like the Goldilocks of emotions. I’m aware of all the feelings but they don’t overwhelm me. Mostly though, I’m the papa bear of the tale, and have so many feelings and emotions that they are just too much. It’s so easy to hide away, swaddle yourself in your thoughts and emotions, and let them take over.
I’ve always thought that the good thing about feeling everything so vividly is that I get to feel the strength and vitality of joy. I can be so happy and so full of love that it fills every corner of my little body. The flip side is that I feel the pain in the same way. Recently, I’ve been experiencing the flip side a little too much. It’s beginning to piss me off and I’m longing for some kind of balance.
I see some people who seem to have this balance naturally, others who appear to be balanced but are probably a hot mess inside, and the most wonderful people I know are so full of joy for life that the balance isn’t even necessary. They feel joy in the crap stuff too. They see pain, anger and sadness as part of life and enjoy that bit too. They don’t need to fight against it. They accept it, feel it, surrender to it but always keep their joy too.
It’s not pretending to be okay. It’s feeling shit but being okay with that.
It’s not being consumed by negativity. It’s accepting the negative but not dwelling on it.
It’s not analysing every bad thought. It’s noticing it and then letting it go.
It’s not hoping things will get better. It’s trusting that they really will.
It’s not being happy about everything. It’s being grateful for everything.
I knew a beautiful soul who passed away suddenly this year. To me she was joy incarnate. I know we never really know how someone feels and what is inside them, but Tina was so full of light, and joy, and love that it radiated and sparkled from her beautiful being. The only way I can understand her being taken from this world is that she was probably too good for it. I know she had a huge impact on a lot of people and will always be a part of them in some way. For me, every time I forget to feel joy I think about her, and I remind myself to be grateful.
I want to be grateful for all the lovely things that give me joy, stop to appreciate them even more than I already do. More importantly though, I want to be grateful for having the opportunity to feel pain and sadness, and feel joy in the fact that I am lucky enough to have this human experience.
Universe, you can be a real arsehole sometimes. I honestly don’t know why you insist on the crap stuff happening, but I’m working on enjoying what you throw at me anyway. I’m grateful for it.