ABOUT THE BLOG

Letters (well, blogs) to the universe

I am starting again.

I am looking forward, trying not to plan too much. I am learning to live in the now after thirty years of living anywhere but. I am processing the past and letting it go.


I am writing to the universe in the hope that the universe will help me (not expecting a letter back!).

Oh, and I've started by quitting my job, buying a van, leaving my flat and heading somewhere new.

 

DEAR UNIVERSE,

 
 

7. Apologising for my wild

Dear Universe,


Sometimes my feelings seem to be uncontrollable, overwhelming and wild. The more I try to control them, the more my body fights it. Hurt, Desire, Anger, Jealousy. They fill my whole being and if I don't do something about it I feel like I'm gonna explode. They aren't always negative emotions. Joy, Empathy, Passion, Lust. These feelings are fab. Who wouldn't want the feeling of exploding with joy or passion? The problem I have is when a feeling takes over and I become helpless to stop it. Of course, I can always choose what I do and control my actions, the way I react outwardly, but the feelings are still there. They manifest themselves with a pain in my stomach and a nervous energy that doesn't let up. Not so fun.


I've definitely come to realise that one way of making sure you don't constantly feel anxious is to allow your wild to be. If you listen to your body, and react as it wants you to, you feel a whole lot better. If your instinct is to scream, you should scream. If you need to cry in public, you should go ahead and ugly cry till you feel better - the uglier the better. If you want something so much you yearn for it, you should allow yourself to plan, obsess and daydream. Being truthful and open about the way you feel gives an awesome sense of freedom. I highly recommend it!


I am free to feel and act however I'd like to. I know you understand that, Universe. You can handle it. I don't need to apologise for my wild. I want to forgive my wild. I want to love my wild. It's who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.


Sometimes though, I don't think it's quite that simple. I don't want to completely ignore lessons I have learnt because my gut is telling me to go against them. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone else with my actions. I want to listen to my wisdom, my logic and my empathy and I want to follow my instincts. Sometime those two things don't seem to mesh.


Jealousy is one of the shit ones like that. My brain can be telling me to trust and stop being so possessive. I can tell myself it's just insecurities talking. My inner monologue is telling me I'm being an irrational crazy lady. The problem is, when my brain tells me I shouldn't feel a certain way, my body doesn't always follow suit. My body is telling me to get upset and angry, express these feelings and share these doubts. Thoughts and feelings are very different things. Why can't I convince my body to calm the fuck down? Why do I then feel anxious when I've logically told myself there is nothing to be anxious about? It's still a mystery to me. It's something I'm working on.


For now, I want to say this... I see my wild. I like my wild. I don't always understand it. But I'm not sorry about it.



Yours wildly,

Charlotte

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