You never really wait till we’re ready, do you, Universe? You nudge us and throw things in our paths. Before we would have even taken little tentative steps, you’ve pushed us further into living our lives than we would ever have chosen. It’s good, it’s exhilarating, it’s motivating. It’s also scary, exhausting, and completely overwhelming.
Has anyone actually ever managed to get their ducks in a row? Who came up with that phrase, anyway?! Did they have their ducks following them around in a perfect little line? My ducks are wild and disobedient. They’ve never been in a row and I doubt they ever will be. I’m not complaining about that; let them flap about and enjoy themselves. I’m learning to trust whatever pops up and go with it. It’s just sometimes pretty challenging.
I’ve had the opportunity to hibernate for the last couple of months. I’ve been hiding in the sun and my life has been on pause. I had the opportunity to learn new skills, explore my thoughts, read other’s thoughts, and I’ve been learning to live in a completely different way. I’m so grateful for this and I’ve loved it. I think it’s really important to remember that it has not all been sunshine and happy times too. Having a chunk of time in my own company was a real challenge and the change of pace was like some kind of culture shock to begin with. All in all, though, it’s been amazing, and I couldn’t have asked for more. Saying my life has been on pause isn’t really true... I have been living my life more than ever.
Tomorrow I’m waking up to “reality”. I’m going to be back to work for the summer and after that I will be deciding what’s next. I’m nervous. The calm I found while safely in my hibernation bubble is fading and I’m letting the stress of the future, money, plans, and lack of a clear direction get to me. It’s not exactly surprising. Although I’m excited about whatever possibilities lie ahead of me, I’m definitely letting self-doubt and negativity creep in.
I was eating a crazily tasty strawberry the other day (bear with me, I have a point!) and, as I was eating it, I was thinking ‘I should get more of these, I wonder if they’ll be just as tasty next time… oooh, I hope they are just as good, I bet they won’t be as good, this must just be an awesome, fluke strawberry that I’ll never have again… hmmm, might go tomorrow and buy more just in case. ’Firstly, yes, my inner monologue is alive and well and constantly boring me with overly-analytical strawberry thoughts. More importantly though, I ate the strawberry thinking all these thoughts instead of just enjoying the fucking strawberry! What an idiot. Right now, I am sitting in Mr Junk, my lovely van. Right now, I have no worries in the world. I’m worrying about something that isn’t going to happen for another couple of months. How silly that I am ruining this moment thinking about another one.
I have a lot of unknowns in my future and so many decisions to make it makes me a little dizzy. Naïvely, I thought I would have worked some of this stuff out by now. Of course, I haven’t. If I don’t manage to plan for what’s next before it arrives though, that’s okay. Bring it on, Universe. For now, Mr Junk and I are having a nice moment so I’m going to stop thinking, stop writing and enjoy it.