Updated: Jan 20, 2019
A week ago I felt like I had jumped off a cliff with no idea how long the drop would be, or what was waiting for me at the bottom. I didn't know whether I was going to land with an ungraceful thud or do that thing that feathers do: drifting lightly from side to side before gently reaching the ground. I feel the same way today but, instead of worrying about it, I am starting to trust the jump was worth the risk and I should trust that you have a plan for me, even if I don't.
I gave my notice at my job. I was a nervous wreck. The moment before going through with it I felt like I was going to vomit, I was trembling and I was quite literally sweating my ass off (yeah, not the most elegant of images but it wasn't a pretty sight). I was worried I'd be letting people down. I didn't know what reaction I was going to get to the news. Most dauntingly, I had doubts I was making the right decision. Unlike any other choices I've made in a long time, however, I was doing what I felt was right, not just thought was right. I haven't really been listening to my intuition recently and it's been screaming at me. Needless to say, the screaming was just giving me headaches. So, I did it.
The aftermath has been a bit of an anticlimax actually. I know it's only been a week but bear with me. No one was hurt and the world kept turning. That was a relief. I had a little adrenaline rush, stressed about some small stuff for a couple of days and then it became my new normal. I now know I will be leaving my job, my career, my flat, my belongings, my friends, my support, my city, my home and starting my next chapter. It's not like I have become an enlightened being but I'm not freaking out and begging for my job back. That's good.
This is what I reckon, Universe....
The illusion of the security you get from a pay check, daily routines and comforts could quite easily be taken away from us in a split second. Why are we so scared to leave it behind when any moment it could be gone anyway? Why do we see it as something so real, something we rely on so heavily, when it could so easily disappear?
Planning ahead and making the future more tangible than it really is, seems like such a comforting, sensible idea until those plans don't come to fruition. You are then left with a feeling of loss for something that never actually existed.
The promise that rubbish things are bound to improve if you just keep grinding, or that good things can be sustained if you hold on hard enough, actually just keeps us trapped. The hope keeps us suspended, stationary and kind of absently floating.
I found that out the hard way with my marriage ending in the way it did. Can't lie, still a bit pissed about that, Universe. But I wasn't listening to my instincts and I guess you needed to push me instead. Again, you could have done it a bit more subtly but I got the message.
Anyway, you did a good job today. Although you can't take all the credit, I'm pretty proud of myself for taking the jump that got me here and I've got my tribe helping me in all their different, supportive ways. I've started seeing glimmers of it all coming together and I'm feeling beautifully positive! My gut told me I should be free for a while; free to wander, free to rest, free to be creative and free to drive to somewhere with a bit of sun ;-)
Today you brought Mr. Junk into my life. Mr. Junk is going to help me be the wild, roaming lady I'd like to be. I'm going 'full snail', carrying my home wherever I go. I can't wait.
Meet Mr. Junk.
Thanks for today,