Updated: Jan 20, 2019
It's been a shit year. I just wanted to start by saying that's okay. I actually wanted to thank you for the shit stuff.
I have to be honest, you broke me. My heart was shattered into little pieces, my future suddenly became a naive pipe dream and the past seventeen years' memories were tainted with sadness and anger. Wow. That sounds a bit overly dramatic when you write it down. I'm the first one to admit that I might have a tendency to be a little dramatic but I can't think of a more fitting way to explain it; you broke me. The pain was something I had never felt before. I never knew emotional pain could manifest itself in such a physical way. I didn't realise how hopeless I could feel, I didn't know how sadness could be such an all-consuming state and I definitely had no idea how much of a fuck grief really is.
Grief is not a word I use lightly. I did not lose someone I love and know that if, and when, I ever do, it will be a whole new beast to live through. I did not grieve for the death of a loved one. I lost myself.
My husband had an affair and decided to end our marriage. To anyone who has not had this happen, I'm sure it will sound a little pathetic. I know that when people have talked about betrayal or divorce to me before I would have thought 'How sad. Not the end of the world though.' I'm sorry for ever thinking that. I'm sorry for ever belittling anyone's personal heartbreaks, even by thinking it.
He was my best friend, and he lied to me, became someone I never dreamt he would be. My soulmate chose himself and his own selfishness over our life together, knowingly making my worst fear real. My husband chose to hurt me, allowed me to be vulnerable honest and open with him while he was betraying me. The person who had promised me the world; unconditional love, a family, a reason for being, took it all away before it had really ever existed.
It took me to a place where I lost my faith in you, Universe. I always thought you had my back. What happened, huh? How could any of that be 'meant to be'. I really didn't deserve all that rubbish and don't even start me on that bullshit of 'you won’t be given more than you can handle'. I couldn't handle it. I did, however, get through it.
I'm still hurting, I'm still struggling but I am also doing well. I am stronger and I am a little wiser. I still feel lost. I'm still in the midst of an existential mind-fuck but I'm up for it! Bring it on.
So, in no particular order, I want to thank you for some things I never thought I would be grateful for.
Thank you for getting me away from toxic things.
Thank you for giving me a tribe of people to guide me and support me.
Thank you for giving me the ability to feel so deeply; pain and joy.
Thank you for showing me I'm strong enough to live through my fears.
Thank you for freeing me.
Thank you for teaching me to trust you.
Thank you for not letting me give up.
Thank you for all the times I still found things funny, even when I was hurting.
Thank you for giving me the chance to start fresh.
Thank you for putting things into perspective.
Thank you for pushing me.
Thank you for what ever is next...
I haven't. I haven't rebuilt myself yet. I will though.