Updated: Jan 20, 2019
I've been thinking. Since I'm going to be writing to you, I guess I should try to work out what it is I want to say.
Of course I should know what I'm writing about before I start writing, I should have a spectacular plan. After all, what would be the point of writing to you if I have no clear reason to do so? I should think about what you would like to hear, what would resonate, what would make you care enough to listen. I should be articulate and insightful. I should be honest but not too honest (don't want to scare you off!). I should definitely not be too emotional, too confused, too wild, too selfish or too human. I should be everything this world expects me to be. As close to perfect as possible.
So, here's my problem... that's not exactly what I have in mind. I don't want to filter my thoughts and I don't believe there is any such thing as too human. I actually quite like the idea of writing about everything and anything I am experiencing; the ugly stuff, the exciting stuff, the painful stuff, the funny stuff. But for some reason, the idea of revealing these things to you, Universe, (or even feeling them for that matter) seems to be a no-no. That simple phrase of 'think before you speak' is so engrained in us that we truly believe it is right to filter our thoughts. Don't share too much - heaven forbid it would make someone uncomfortable. Don't put something out in to the world that is too personal - you might regret it. Don't admit your flaws, your doubts or your fears - vulnerability is way too frightening. Please excuse my little rant, but imagine for a second that these don'ts or shouldn'ts weren't in the equation. How beautiful would that be?
Don't get me wrong, I do care how I am perceived. I wish I wasn't influenced by what others think, but I am. I am also pretty determined though not to let that get in the way of talking to you. I have no idea how far I'll push it. I do know that I'd like to tell you the truth, my truth. I'd like to write about the things I'm learning and the things I don't understand. I'd like to tell you about the amazing moments that I know I'm going to have and the shite ones too. So, I don't have a spectacular plan but I do have a little one. I can tell you the truth cause you can handle it.
I often wonder if the most inspiring musicians or poets, respected artists, and most powerful speakers tell the truth. I know when I write music I get lost in the process. I get lost for most of the time but then little thoughts break through the focus and make me question how others will feel when they hear my song. It must have an impact on my choices and influence my natural expression and creativity. I doubt it is even conscious sometimes. The need to please seems to be just a little stronger than the need to be truthful. Can you be truly creative if you are worrying what your audience thinks?
Knowing you have opinions but persuading myself to write openly to you anyway is going to be a challenge. It could also be freeing. I wrote a little piece of music a couple of years ago that I wasn't going to share with the world and, because of that, it was one of my most honest songs. I ended up being proud of my little creation and I genuinely didn't care if others liked it or disliked it. I sometimes feel like that when I dance, sing to myself or doodle mindlessly. I know I have it in me. I know I can be expressive and unfiltered. There is a circulating thought going round my head that you don't want to hear the real, the raw, or the unvarnished ramblings of a lost soul. I'd like to take that doubt and tell it to bugger off.
Let's make a little pact, Universe. No filters from me, no judgement from you.
P.S. that song I was talking about...